You are viewing ghost_helwig

Dreams


The Wishes I Never Wanted To Wish

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
Wow. I hadn't realized I hadn't posted here since 2011. January 1st, 2011, no less. Oops? :/

And I'm basically here to ask anyone who follows me still and sees this to vote for me here: http://tinyurl.com/cmrp7aa. All you have to do is click the like button. Very easy. :)

And I'm sorry I haven't been checking in. I suck as a friend, I know. :/ Things haven't been that great the past couple of years, mostly due to constant illness, so it makes it difficult to focus on things. I think that's why I stopped coming here. I couldn't focus.

But enough rambling. Peace and love to you all. :)

Current Location:
in my head
How I Feel:
exhausted exhausted
Song In My Head:
"Dig A Hole" by Willam Beckett
* * *

Happy New Year everyone! I hope all of you had a lovely celebration and are ready for this new year to begin.

I'm certainly not. *lol*

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags:
Current Location:
Here
How I Feel:
Tired
Song In My Head:
"Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica
* * *

Just came here to say MERRY CHRISTMAS everybody! :D

I love you all, and I hope you have a fabulous holiday. :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags:
* * *
Please, please, go to this link and leave a comment. I desperately want to win this contest, and you need to collect comments to do so:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=413796169412

I know I've been neglecting this place, and I want to change that. Somehow. I wish I had more to say, but my life is full of doctor visits and boredom. Heh.

Love you all. So much. :)

Current Location:
my (thankfully) cold bed
How I Feel:
exhausted ...zzz...
Song In My Head:
"Hold Fire" ~ Delays
* * *
Just thought I'd post to say that I'm not dead. *lol* I'm very tired, though. This year has been tough. Nothing big has gone wrong, but a lot of little things haven't gone right. It's very frustrating.

A quick overview of my life right now:

I'm losing weight. On purpose, now, when at the beginning of the year I just had no appetite at all so I lost like ten pounds. I still don't eat much, but it's okay. My health is *crosses fingers* going to improve this year, I hope and pray.

Writing is going s-l-o-w-l-y. As per usual, right?

I twitter a lot. And read a lot. And visit the EEnE yaoi forum whenever I can.

I'm tired all the time now, and going to a bunch of different doctors. Specialists. All of whom have no answers but more questions. *sigh* Oh well. I'm still not as sick as I was last year, thank God.

I have a music rec for everyone: The Delays. Love them. Their new song can be downloaded for free from their website, and I strongly urge everyone who reads this to get it. It is so, so pretty. I'm in love. :D

That's about it. I'm so boring. *lol*
Tags:
Current Location:
my home
How I Feel:
blank ...
Song In My Head:
"Find A Home (New Forest Shaker)" ~ The Delays
* * *
The Ed, Edd N Eddy movie is the single slashiest thing I have ever seen in my life.

So of course, I've watched it twice in the past three days, and am planning on watching it again tomorrow.

That is all.

Current Location:
my sleepy-time bed... ...*yawn*...
How I Feel:
ecstatic elated
Song In My Head:
"I'm Yours Tonight" ~ The Academy Is...
* * *
Just a quick update, since I'm here, to let everyone know that your friendly neighborhood Ghost is still sick. No diagnosis. They're "assuming" it's allergies causing the breathlessness I've been suffering from since last year. I take allergy shots now. So far, they haven't helped.

I took them as a kid, too. They didn't help then, either.

Also, I have no income because I've been out of work from my illness. But if I don't have income, I think they'll take away my medical, so I won't be able to afford to be sick anymore.

Life... sometimes, I sort of hate you.

That said... Everyone buy the new Placebo album. It rocks. :D Though... I love The Higher's new album, too...

Hope everyone is doing well...!

Current Location:
my sleepy-time bed... ...*yawn*...
How I Feel:
exhausted ...exhausted...!
Song In My Head:
"*untitled new song*" ~ Jarrod Gorbel
* * *
I stopped posting here because I got sick. Sicker than normal. All the way back in December of last year. But what started as headaches and breathing problems got exacerbated last week by a killer cold, and so today my Mom, K, and my Aunty took me to the emergency room at our local hospital. (D showed up when our boss said she could leave to be with me; she likes me, the boss lady, and for that I am grateful today.)

...Fun.

Before I start, a warning - this is about to get very, very gross.

Let's see. I got three breathing treatments (at different times, of course). A chest x-ray. An EKG test. Another test where they also checked my heart that I can't even remember the name of. I got to breathe in radiation (a small dose, but still) and get shot up with still more so they could take pictures of my lungs - because the test they wanted to give me, a CT scan of my chest, they couldn't, as they couldn't inject me with the contrast dye they needed to. Why? Because no less than four people could not find a usable vein in the area where they needed one (or, pretty much anywhere). Oh, and they discovered this by poking me exactly seven times.

Which, let me tell you, I have never had a fear of needles, but that hurt like h*ll.

Especially the last one, which the doctor himself administered in my neck. I teared up a little, I have to admit. It hurt so bad. I've got a nasty bruise there now - it looks like I was scratched and then bitten by an angry one-toothed vampire, D & I agreed - and another one on my arm and my hand... Which they did eventually get blood from. Not that hand, though, the other one. On the bruised hand, at one point, there was enough blood coming out to spill over my fingers and onto the floor... Very disturbing. But that arm bled a lot (it bled from the elbow shot, too, on my arm, but not enough to take the necessary blood from or do me any good testing-wise; just like that hand).

Strangely, though, the other elbow has the bruising. Of course, that one hurt really bad going in, just like the neck one. But the nurse stopped faster, and seemed to, like, care. The doctor didn't. He just walked away while I was obviously in pain, and let the nurse try to "save" the vein. ... I'm sure he was needed elsewhere, but it still kind of upset me. But then, I was in a lot of pain.

This has been a horrible, horrible day. We were there from 7am to 2pm. 7 hours. Lucky number 7. Ha. :(

The doctor wanted to admit me, actually, but since he gave me a choice, I chose to go home - with the understanding that if my breathing worsens again, I'm to return and be admitted immediately, no waiting around or testing this time. Nine hours later, though, and I'm toughing it out at home. My breathing still isn't that great, but it's better than it was even this morning, so here's hoping. *crosses fingers*

Oh, and the diagnosis? Probably my asthma. (Which, I like, knew already, since I could hear myself wheezing, and have been for months now. *sigh*) But they're really not sure.

I have another test to take there, previously scheduled, on Thursday (and a new doctor's appointment tomorrow). But no blood work this time, so I'm good. Heh.

I'm going to sleep now, if I can (sitting propped up as I have to be in order to breathe properly). This day has been... oh, how to sum it up...?

...Draining.

In a lot of ways.

Heh.
Current Location:
my house, thankfully
How I Feel:
tired exhausted...
Song In My Head:
"Snow Day" ~ The Honorary Title
* * *
Sometimes I think I'm kidding myself, thinking I'm important to them.
Current Location:
my cold house
How I Feel:
depressed call me emo chick
Song In My Head:
me, being depressed
* * *
Okay. So, I don't usually discuss spirituality, mostly because the ulta-conservative bigots have soured me on hearing other people talk about spirituality (& its wayward sister, religion), but a post a musician I admire made on his myspace page today inspired me to write a little. To get it all down, & here, where people seem to sometimes read what I write.


I believe in God. A God. But the Bible, the restrictions people place on each other, the Pope - no. Not for me. I don't judge anyone who believes those things, or anything - we're all just trying to make our way in the world & figure out the impossible-to-figure-out, so why should I judge you for coming to a different conclusion than me? - but after listening to the way some people twist the Bible, after reading its contradictions... I can't believe in something written by men, I can't trust that it came from God.

And on a different tangent, I really dislike that, since I grew up going to church on Sundays, it took me years to understand that Jesus Christ was not God. The way they talked about him, I thought he was. And isn't that like worshipping a false idol? God is God. Jesus is not God. He was, if you believe the church's teachings, God's son, but that still doesn't make him God. I'm honestly curious - was it just my church that seemed to confuse the issue? Or did anyone else with a slightly religious background ever have this problem?

Anyway, the true point to this post is... I believe in God. I do. But lately - no, not just lately; for years now - I keep hearing about how this church teaches this & that teaches that & none of them seem to want to admit that if we all are made from God than being gay is okay... Which is, to be honest, one of my foremost concerns when discussing spirituality with people. I believe that you are born you, that being gay is natural, & that God intended His children to turn out exactly like they did; gay, straight, transgendered, bisexual, asexual, pansexual... They're all just words we created to segregate ourselves. I don't believe for one second that God sits up there in Heaven going, "Oh, there goes Timmy, my gay son." I think it's more along the lines of, "That's Timmy, my son."

And why am I rambling about this, you ask? Because. Ever since I started understanding the bigotry gay people face that's supposedly based in religion (it's not, really, but that's a rant for another night), and hearing the stories about how this church forced out its gay members and that one won't let women preach and this whole, huge organization covered up the widespread sexual abuse of children (you all know what I'm talking about)... Ever since then, I have been ashamed of my faith. Not because I belong to any particular sect or belief system, because I don't. Not because I participated in any bigoted acts, because I never have and never ever will. But because other people who believe in God, as I do, have used their belief to countenance terrible things, things that are hurtful and cruel and shameful.

But I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of skirting the issue when it comes up. So I'm done hiding my face.

Hello. My name is Ghost. And I believe in God.

...

I wrote lyrics about this very idea once. I'm paraphrasing, but I believe it went something like:

I don't believe as you do
'Cause your God isn't my God, too


Crude, I know. But I was very young.

Now then. I've a new fandom, & a new fanfic to share. Hopefully, writing & posting this will wake up my comatose EEnE muse, & I can finish StM before the readers gather together & come after me with torches & pitchforks. :)

Fandom: Death Note
Pairing/Characters: Light Yagami/L Lawliet
Rating: (A very light) T
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from Death Note. I wish I did. Heh.
Summary: It was easy, too easy, to love Light Yagami.
SPOILER WARNING: This story is a one-shot that deals (in vague terms) with up to & sorta including episode 25 of the anime.

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

Faith for the FaithlessCollapse )


:D (cross-posted a zany amount of places)

Current Location:
this boring room
How I Feel:
creative CREATE!
Song In My Head:
"Winter Passing" ~ The Academy Is...
* * *

Previous