Dreams

I took them as a kid, too. They didn't help then, either.

Also, I have no income because I've been out of work from my illness. But if I don't have income, I think they'll take away my medical, so I won't be able to afford to be sick anymore.

Life... sometimes, I sort of hate you.

That said... Everyone buy the new Placebo album. It rocks. :D Though... I love The Higher's new album, too...

Hope everyone is doing well...!

Current Location:	my sleepy-time bed... ...*yawn*...
How I Feel:	...exhausted...!
Song In My Head:	"*untitled new song*" ~ Jarrod Gorbel

...Fun.

Before I start, a warning - this is about to get very, very gross.

Let's see. I got three breathing treatments (at different times, of course). A chest x-ray. An EKG test. Another test where they also checked my heart that I can't even remember the name of. I got to breathe in radiation (a small dose, but still) and get shot up with still more so they could take pictures of my lungs - because the test they wanted to give me, a CT scan of my chest, they couldn't, as they couldn't inject me with the contrast dye they needed to. Why? Because no less than four people could not find a usable vein in the area where they needed one (or, pretty much anywhere). Oh, and they discovered this by poking me exactly seven times.

Which, let me tell you, I have never had a fear of needles, but that hurt like h*ll.

Especially the last one, which the doctor himself administered in my neck. I teared up a little, I have to admit. It hurt so bad. I've got a nasty bruise there now - it looks like I was scratched and then bitten by an angry one-toothed vampire, D & I agreed - and another one on my arm and my hand... Which they did eventually get blood from. Not that hand, though, the other one. On the bruised hand, at one point, there was enough blood coming out to spill over my fingers and onto the floor... Very disturbing. But that arm bled a lot (it bled from the elbow shot, too, on my arm, but not enough to take the necessary blood from or do me any good testing-wise; just like that hand).

Strangely, though, the other elbow has the bruising. Of course, that one hurt really bad going in, just like the neck one. But the nurse stopped faster, and seemed to, like, care. The doctor didn't. He just walked away while I was obviously in pain, and let the nurse try to "save" the vein. ... I'm sure he was needed elsewhere, but it still kind of upset me. But then, I was in a lot of pain.

This has been a horrible, horrible day. We were there from 7am to 2pm. 7 hours. Lucky number 7. Ha. :(

The doctor wanted to admit me, actually, but since he gave me a choice, I chose to go home - with the understanding that if my breathing worsens again, I'm to return and be admitted immediately, no waiting around or testing this time. Nine hours later, though, and I'm toughing it out at home. My breathing still isn't that great, but it's better than it was even this morning, so here's hoping. *crosses fingers*

Oh, and the diagnosis? Probably my asthma. (Which, I like, knew already, since I could hear myself wheezing, and have been for months now. *sigh*) But they're really not sure.

I have another test to take there, previously scheduled, on Thursday (and a new doctor's appointment tomorrow). But no blood work this time, so I'm good. Heh.

I'm going to sleep now, if I can (sitting propped up as I have to be in order to breathe properly). This day has been... oh, how to sum it up...?

...Draining.

In a lot of ways.

Heh.

Current Location:	my house, thankfully
How I Feel:	exhausted...
Song In My Head:	"Snow Day" ~ The Honorary Title

I believe in God. A God. But the Bible, the restrictions people place on each other, the Pope - no. Not for me. I don't judge anyone who believes those things, or anything - we're all just trying to make our way in the world & figure out the impossible-to-figure-out, so why should I judge you for coming to a different conclusion than me? - but after listening to the way some people twist the Bible, after reading its contradictions... I can't believe in something written by men, I can't trust that it came from God.

And on a different tangent, I really dislike that, since I grew up going to church on Sundays, it took me years to understand that Jesus Christ was not God. The way they talked about him, I thought he was. And isn't that like worshipping a false idol? God is God. Jesus is not God. He was, if you believe the church's teachings, God's son, but that still doesn't make him God. I'm honestly curious - was it just my church that seemed to confuse the issue? Or did anyone else with a slightly religious background ever have this problem?

Anyway, the true point to this post is... I believe in God. I do. But lately - no, not just lately; for years now - I keep hearing about how this church teaches this & that teaches that & none of them seem to want to admit that if we all are made from God than being gay is okay... Which is, to be honest, one of my foremost concerns when discussing spirituality with people. I believe that you are born you, that being gay is natural, & that God intended His children to turn out exactly like they did; gay, straight, transgendered, bisexual, asexual, pansexual... They're all just words we created to segregate ourselves. I don't believe for one second that God sits up there in Heaven going, "Oh, there goes Timmy, my gay son." I think it's more along the lines of, "That's Timmy, my son."

And why am I rambling about this, you ask? Because. Ever since I started understanding the bigotry gay people face that's supposedly based in religion (it's not, really, but that's a rant for another night), and hearing the stories about how this church forced out its gay members and that one won't let women preach and this whole, huge organization covered up the widespread sexual abuse of children (you all know what I'm talking about)... Ever since then, I have been ashamed of my faith. Not because I belong to any particular sect or belief system, because I don't. Not because I participated in any bigoted acts, because I never have and never ever will. But because other people who believe in God, as I do, have used their belief to countenance terrible things, things that are hurtful and cruel and shameful.

But I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of skirting the issue when it comes up. So I'm done hiding my face.

Hello. My name is Ghost. And I believe in God.

...

I wrote lyrics about this very idea once. I'm paraphrasing, but I believe it went something like:

I don't believe as you do
'Cause your God isn't my God, too

Crude, I know. But I was very young.

Now then. I've a new fandom, & a new fanfic to share. Hopefully, writing & posting this will wake up my comatose EEnE muse, & I can finish StM before the readers gather together & come after me with torches & pitchforks. :)

Fandom: Death Note
Pairing/Characters: Light Yagami/L Lawliet
Rating: (A very light) T
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from Death Note. I wish I did. Heh.
Summary: It was easy, too easy, to love Light Yagami.
SPOILER WARNING: This story is a one-shot that deals (in vague terms) with up to & sorta including episode 25 of the anime.

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

( Faith for the Faithless )

:D (cross-posted a zany amount of places)

Current Location:	this boring room
How I Feel:	CREATE!
Song In My Head:	"Winter Passing" ~ The Academy Is...

( Dreamers Dream Dreams )
Enjoy!  I love all of you!

And Happy New Year!!

Current Location:	this cool room
How I Feel:	enthralled by Death Note
Song In My Head:	Death Note anime

L. Light. Love 'em both. Not as big a fan of Near & Mello, but whatever. Love, love L and Light. Even if Light is CRAZY. :)

On a less fandom obsessed note, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you. I love you more than I can say.

Also, expect longer, more serious posts from me soon... hopefully.

I LOVE YOU! ^_^

Current Location:	this cold room
How I Feel:	chip, chip, chipper!
Song In My Head:	"My Salvation" ~ The Honorary Title

...My head hurts.

Current Location:	my (thankfully quiet) house
How I Feel:	...argh...
Song In My Head:	"Winter Passing" ~ The Academy Is...

Here's the thing. I've been in a haunted house before. Grew up in one. But I've never experienced anything like what I've experienced lately.

Allow me to elaborate, briefly.

A few nights ago, I woke up repeatedly to something holding me down. I literally couldn't move. Eyes open, I was very awake, but also very paralyzed.

And the second time that happened, I saw a dark figure on me, and it leaned close to me... There were cold shivers going up and down my spine; my back was so cold. And I heard a deep, raspy voice asking, "Do you feel this?"

Yeah. :(

I know I was awake. I was staring straight up at my ceiling, and when it was finally gone & I could move again I made myself take note of how awake I was, so in the morning I would remember.

And there's been other freaky stuff, too. A light near my sister's bedroom floor that we both saw, a bright light that could not be explained by any of the usual light sources in that area. Especially since it disappeared rather abruptly.

And another night, before the even stranger experience I mentioned earlier, I woke up to see a large black shadow going up and down the ceiling above my bed, back and forth... I stay up late all the time, so I'm familiar with all the shadows in that room. This was... unnatural. It moved across the ceiling, and there's no way it could've been a car - no car's lights move like that, gliding up and down... I stared for a while, closed my eyes, and it was still there. Another brief close, and it's gone.

And that very night, before I went to sleep, the cabinet above our kitchen sink that sometimes comes open on its own due to wind flew open - with no wind to force it. After a full minute of me telling myself to calm down (because freaky stuff had already been happening in the house by then), two plastic containers fell out of the cabinet and straight onto the floor, somehow being blown so far that neither of them hit the sink on the way down, but instead landed near the table a couple of feet away. Again - without any wind to blow the paper that hangs nearby or stir the trees outside the window.

We've placed Hawaiian salt in the corners (a local remedy) and just recently used holy water. Nothing's happened since then, but it's only been a couple of days, so we'll see. We've had K's friend who's kind of an expert in these things come by, and he says it's not evil or all that strong, but it's creeping me out all the same. K's other friend is the one who got us the holy water, which we had for a week and only used after I woke up being held down that one night.

Did I mention this stuff mostly happens to me? Yeah. K's expert friend says the entity is probably 'attracted' to us/me/whatever. Which wouldn't surprise me, since I've had paranormal experiences my whole life, & it's probably embedded in my aura by now.

That's me, folks. Completely uninteresting to live people, but irresistible to the dead. :D

Yeah. So. How have your past few weeks been? *lol*

Current Location:	work, actually
How I Feel:	stalked by a ghost
Song In My Head:	"Beware! Cougar!" by The Academy Is...

Life.  It sucks.

Cleaning up toilet water from the bathroom floor AND my Mom's bedroom sucks.

Not seeing The Dark Knight today sucks.

NO ONE CALLING US BACK about the toilet SUCKS.

Mom ending up with a counterfeit coupon for Starbucks sucks.

The plumber sucks.

My sister's headache and backache suck.

My own headache and backache, which I woke up with, suck.

Feeling dirty and sweaty and wet sucks.

The smell is starting to suck.

Waiting for TAI's new CD to come out sucks (well, not really).  ;)

Missing breakfast sucks.

K having to come home from work and miss out on money (which we'll need to replace the mattress) sucks.  A necessary suck, but still.

It's only 9:30am and the day SUCKS.

Having to run around three apartment complexes to chase down a surly, unhelpful plumber sucked so completely hard.

So, today?  Say it with me now, children:

SUCKS.

Yup.  What a day.  What a freakin' day.  ;)

Current Location:	my wet house
How I Feel:	high on SUCK
Song In My Head:	"About A Girl" ~ The Academy Is...

That is all.  ^_^
 

Current Location:	my hot kitchen
How I Feel:	hyped up
Song In My Head:	"Skeptics And True Believers" ~ The Academy Is...

'Viral infection', doc says.  Take this pill and that pill and get rid of your headache with the lovely tylenol with the lovely codeine that I don't need because I'm already sleeping almost all day.  I usually function perfectly on four hours of sleep.  Now, I think I've been up for four hours, total, today.

And I'm off to bed now.  Again.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  And I'm too tired to even try to figure it out.

Lovely caffeine is keeping me up long enough to type this.  And it's quickly wearing off.

Nighty-night, all...

*zzz*

Current Location:	my bed
How I Feel:	sleepy
Song In My Head:	"Apocalypso (Waltz Version)" by Mew

The review, from my email, in its entirety:

~*~

~*~

*pauses* Yeeeeeah.

I want to report him to ff.n, just because I think threatening is WRONG, but I'm not sure it'll matter. I'm also not sure I want attention drawn to my account, since I still have song lyrics in Swallow The Moon and I don't want it removed. But d*mmit, I despise people who have to prove their 'might' by threatening people with violence. It's stupid, it's disgusting, and it really, REALLY irritates me when a man/boy (I'm assuming) shows off his supposed 'manliness' by threatening someone he obviously assumes to be less strong than he is.

I also want to reply to him. I haven't yet, as I do not desire a flame war, but here's the reply I've written and not sent:

~*~

You do not scare me. You do not intimidate me. Now I labeled the story as SLASH; if you can't read, THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

Do save us both time and effort, and leave me alone. You're wasting your time threatening me; I honestly could not care one bit what you think, nor do I believe you could come through my computer screen and attack me. Sorry, but I graduated elementary school, so I know that just isn't possible.

Also, I never said Eddy was a *fag*; I said he was *GAY*. Which is perfectly natural, whatever your hate-mongering mind may have told you.

Have a really great day, Sam. You've certainly made mine a whole lot happier.

Amused,
Ghost

~*~

Sooo... too snotty? Or just snotty enough? ^_^

And yes, normally I would be nicer, but I'm sick, and I don't mean from the flame. Sinus infection. Plus, I'm tired of receiving the same freakin' flames all the time. Live and let live, people, please, it's not that hard a concept. *sigh*

...That's another reason I'm not doing anything about this yet. Things will be a lot clearer - and I'll have calmed down a lot - when it's not 1:30 in the morning. *lol*

And on that note:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Love to you all, on this very fine All Hallows Eve. ^_^

Current Location:	In HELL. Ha!
How I Feel:	sickly, actually...
Song In My Head:	"Chemistry Of A Car Crash" by Shiny Toy Guns

So, I was gonna write about the con that I went to back in April, but it's 1am, my stomach hurts, and I need to be up in four hours to go to the laundromat.  So instead I will discuss what occurred at said laundromat two weeks ago on one very annoyingly hot Saturday morning, so that I can get it out of my head and quit worrying like a freak.

Okay, yeah.  So, I go do the laundry with my Mom every week, and we always go elsewhere to do it, because if we use the laundry area provided in our apartment building our clothes get infested with weird little bugs - very disgusting.  And it so goes against the concept of doing laundry, coming home with dirty clothes.  So we've been going to this laundromat for a while now, although it's only been... I'd say about two or three months Mom and I have been going alone, without her bf K, who works Saturdays now.  Used to be he and Mom went at night, but Mom went (by herself!  Crazy woman) one Saturday morning and was thrilled to discover it's normally empty when you go so early.  So she started going in the early, early am, and I started going with her.

At this point, I must say a huge thank you to Starbucks, without whose frappuccinos I could not be human on said mornings.  ^_^

Anyway, we always go now, and while I don't love it, it's just another one of those things you have to do, like working and breathing and, if you're me, writing.  But that Saturday...  Okay, we were there, the clothes were in the dryer, and by now, a few people have shown up and that's pretty normal.  One guy and a girl, and another guy, the one who's always there after a bit, who vaguely annoyed me once long ago by stealing my seat when I got up to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer, and who stares at people so much and acts in such a way I honestly think he's mentally disabled.  This doesn't bother me - my Aunt is schizophrenic, much of her friends are the same, and being around people with mental handicaps is something I used to do pretty regularly; I worked with them in school, and I sometimes hung with my Aunt at the mental health clinic when she had to go.  The only reason I'm mentioning any of this is that I don't want anyone to think what I say about this guy later is influenced by some sort of 'omg he's different!' reaction, because it isn't.

So anyway, us and those three people are the only ones there.  Then Mom tells me, as we're sitting in the car being our antisocial selves, that she has to go to the bathroom.  So do I, but the bathroom is usually out of toilet paper, and though I've been in it before I don't really like the place.  But Mom risks it, and after taking forever in there comes back to tell me it's clean and well-stocked this time.  We are, by now, standing around outside, and this laundromat opens up on the parking lot, so we're not that far from the people sitting inside the laundry area.  I decide to risk it, and I tell Mom where I'm going; in fact, I have to tell her twice, because, God bless her, she's sometimes utterly deaf.

I see someone, a guy, though I don't notice which one, get up right after I say I'm going to the bathroom.  This alarms me a little, as I know there's a huge-*ss f*cking window right above the toilet; anyone who cared to could look right inside.  So I get in there, hurry as fast as I can; and then, when I've straightened my clothes and am staring right out the window - I can see my Mom in the parking lot, far off, not looking towards me - the guy I think is mentally disturbed walks by.  And stares in the window.  Looks right into my eyes.

I admit, I didn't want to think he did it on purpose, but he knows the place so well, and he had to know I was in there - I said where I was going in front of everyone, twice, and the second time pretty loudly, so Mom could hear me.  And it wasn't just a quick glance in, either; he was staring.  I got out of there so bloody fast.

For the record, I am not a pretty girl.  Not in the tall, thin, perfect kind of way.  Things like that are not common occurrences for me.  Sure, I get guys staring at my chest sometimes, particularly when I'm wearing something low-cut (as I...  *ahem* ... like to ^_~ ), but that's always a little amusing to me.  It's so obvious.  So juvenile.  It doesn't really bother me that much.

But this...  that's a whole new kind of naked, and a whole new kind of perversion for me.  I mean, okay, I've encountered perverts before - like when I was younger, and we had the internet for all of a few months, and I was trying to find people to be part of a rock band with me online; my Hanson-loving nickname was luvHITZ, and one of the guys who wrote to me made slight sexual innuendo and called me luvTITZ; or when that guy followed me around the mall a couple of Christmas' ago, after being all nice to me at the counter in Sam Goody.  But this...  It bugged me.  Still does, in fact.

And last week, the guy showed up again; I swear, he's always there after a while.  Mom and I were sitting in the parking lot across from the laundromat, and he walks in front of us, lifting his shirt and generally making his presence known.  Even were he not an obvious pervert, he's in his thirties, hefty and hairy; not the kind of body that makes me go nuts, so I don't know why he's so consumed with showing it to me or anyone else.  And I'm only ranting about that because he is an obvious pervert, or else I wouldn't give a d*mn what he looked like.

We went into the laundromat after that, and didn't leave it and the safety zone of the other people who'd shown up by then until the clothes were done (well, mostly done) and we could go.  We're not stupid.

And he didn't get any closer that day, just sat on a bench on the other side of the lot with some old man.  Thank God.

Oh, and as we were leaving the day he peeked in on me, he kept staring, and got within two or three feet of my mother as we were getting in our car.  I stared at him the whole time, trying not to freak the f*ck out because if he touches her I don't know what the hell we'll do.  He's bigger and stronger, and I swear to God I have never felt more female in my life.

I don't mean female as in womanly, sexy, and strong, either.  I mean female as in powerless, helpless, and at the mercy of the 'man' and whatever he wants to do to her.

Y'know, I don't care if he didn't really mean it, or he is unstable; I hate him for making me feel that way.

...We told Mom she's not allowed to go by herself anymore.  And me, I'm just... tired of perverts.  I would love to meet a man who was attracted to me but could, y'know, control himself and not freak me out with his perversions.  Be a pervert once we're together; I swear to God, I won't care then.  Ask any of my lovely, lovingly perverted friends.  ;)

...*sigh*  So, anyway, yeah; that's been my life of late.  And I go again in... three hours.  Great-f*ckin'-joy, that.

...Hopefully, he just never figures out how early we show up; the guy who usually opens the place always disappears to God-knows-where after he does it, and we're usually alone.  And that just... I don't want to be alone with that man.

Even with Mom there.  Especially with Mom there; I can't protect her.

Although, as I told K once, a guy ever attacks me like that, I do have a plan.  (Honestly, I think every woman probably should, regardless of how strong or pretty she is or, in my case, isn't.)  Grab and twist, man.  Grab and f*cking twist.  And then run.

K was all like, 'But how will you get that close?'  And as I told him, if the guy's attacking me like that, getting that close to his dick won't be a problem.

I phrased it a little differently (a tad cleaner), but still, the point was made.  And I still believe it, too.  I just don't want to ever have to use my plan.  And honestly, I don't think I will - I think I'm just paranoid, and nervous, because I am me and I get paranoid, and nervous - but... one never knows.

...And it's now after 2am and I am so over talking about this.  Next time, happy happy con talk, hopefully.  After all, it was even better than the first year, because I got to meet Greg Ayres.  *bounces*  Goku, man.  GOKU.  And he signed my artbook and everything.  ^____^  But I refuse to soil his name or my memories of the con by discussing it any further in this post, so good day to all of you, my wonderful friends!  ^_^

And remember, stay out of bathrooms!  *lol*  ^_~  Heh.

Current Location:	Somewhere sad & annoyed
How I Feel:	disappointed
Song In My Head:	"Stay Away" by The Honorary Title (Buy them NOW! I command you! ^_^ )

varons_typist

I got both-

-and-

-which is odd to me, as I lambast my ability to write poetry that isn't in a simple rhyming format. Apparently my inner self is more clever than I. ^_^

And now, just for fun, 15 absolutely pointless facts about me! *waits for applause; hears only crickets*

...too bad, people, you're getting the list anyway. *cackles* ^_^

1) I've never written bestiality (as it squicks me), but I've been accused of writing it twice, for two different stories.

2) I used to live in, my hand to God, a haunted house: wherein my sister saw her reflection distort in a mirror, only to turn back and have it be normal again; I saw a phantom man's face staring in our window (phantom I'm certain, because it would've been physically impossible for a man to be standing where I saw him); I heard footsteps that, when they passed by, there was no one there; I also heard phantom hoof beats (and as it turns out, unbeknownst to me at the time, the house used to be a barn); and, last but not least, I thought I was going crazy because in my head I repeatedly saw and heard men in white hoods and carrying torches coming down a hill towards me, to kill me - which makes sense, I suppose, since we lived in the south then. The images stopped when we moved.

3) I've written a billion posts for this lj that I just never posted.

4) I'm afraid of listening to silverchair's new album, because after crazily loving everything they've ever done, what I've heard so far makes me wonder why Daniel bothered doing The Dissociatives if he was just going to bring all that weird, psychedelic, trippy-poppy experimentation to silverchair. :(

5) I write fantasy novels, and I hope to one day make a living at it. My original life dream, that I hated letting go of? Being a pop singer.

6) I think Brian Molko (lead singer of Placebo, and the man in my icon) has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. Watch Placebo's video for Pure Morning if you don't believe me.

7) Good lyrics can make me love a song whose music is not the greatest; but good music cannot make me like a song whose lyrics suck.

8) 'I like pop. I like soul. I like rock. But I never liked disco.' ^_^

9) I don't have a favorite film genre, because as much as I love movies, there is no genre of film I can trust to not suck 99.6% of the time. ...So I've decided my favorite film genre from now on will be horror, because at least when horror films are bad, they're usually laughably bad. Not like lame comedies, over-the-top dramas, and stupid, testosterone-driven action films. When those suck, they make me want to hurt myself. Even mocking them brings little joy sometimes. Not so with cheesy gore. ^_~

10) On that note, The Grudge 2 is the scariest f*cking film I have ever seen.

11) I'm ashamed to admit that I find Poppy Z. Brite's new books to be bloody boring.

12) Of all the new music releases I've been looking so forward to this year, the only one so far that has been worth the hype I gave it in my head is Bright Eyes' Cassadaga. It makes me fear for the albums still to be released this year: Hanson, Tori Amos (always up in the air with her, whether I'll like where her trippy brain has gone or not; and the single I heard was unbearable to me), The Cure, HIM, Linkin Park, Mandy Moore (I've already heard it's unimpressive, and I believe it; her covers album was pretty bad), Kelly Clarkson, Marilyn Manson... Only HIM and Linkin Park are almost guaranteed to be winners, and my sister will like those far more than I do (however, Marilyn Manson seems quite promising as well, and I love him). Though I do adore HIM. Still... I hope Hanson's album doesn't suck, at least. They never have before, but their charity single was only okay, and silverchair hadn't sucked before this year either... (Although to be fair, I haven't listened to their whole album yet. I'm afraid, remember?)

13) Placebo was on Fuse back on April 11th (the day I started this list, actually), and even though it was short, the interview had me grinning like an idiot and practically in tears just because I finally got to see them on a US television show.

14) I am a terrible friend. (Please do not argue this point. I'm not fishing for nor desiring of compliments; I simply do not like the way I treat people sometimes. More times that I care to admit.)

15) Nothing puts me in a bad mood faster than feeling left out.

...and I wrote that because... I've no idea, really. Because. *cheesy grin*

Now, off to finish making plans for the con on Friday, getting my meager funds together, and returning to the writing of my book...

Current Location:	Somewhere Where I Am
How I Feel:	tiredly creative/creatively...
Song In My Head:	"Over You" by Daughtry (LOVE that song! New fav! :) )

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

..."I can't go out. My finger hurts."

The above? Me, a long time ago. I don't remember what precisely I was thinking - there was more to it than that, I'm sure - but that's what I said. And my sister, bless her evil little heart, won't let me forget it.

Naturally.

So, yes - I buy this. I totally do. ^_^

Plus, imaginary friends? Totally my kind. ^_~

Current Location:	HERE
How I Feel:	surprisingly chipper
Song In My Head:	"Makedamnsure" ~ Taking Back Sunday (LOVE that song! ^_^)