Dakota - Sunlight

I Am Not Happy


Dear "J"-

I liked you.  So did my sister.  I liked you & I thought you were kind & I thought you understood us.  You didn't judge, you didn't laugh, & you seemed to like the same things we did, & for the same reasons.  You were one of the nice people at work.

So what.  The.  F*ck.

You think my sister held your being gay against you?  My sister who writes slash?  My sister who explained to me what being gay was when I was too young to have heard anything about it & explained it in such a way that I never thought being gay was bad?  My sister who loooooves Jeffree Star enough to get a cupcake tattoo (which you d*mn well know)?  My sister, a homophobe?

Puh-leeze.

I am... disappointed in you.  I expected better.  A hell of a lot better.  I thought you got it.  I really thought you did.

I liked you.  I don't like any of the other boys at work much, but I liked you.

Well.  Shows me, huh?

You're a stranger I know well, and not at all.
~"The Test" by The Academy Is...
Dakota - Sunlight

Attraction Is Often Unattractive


This post has been building for a while, but I think it's time I finally posted it.

To start with, may I say that while this contains a lot of highly personal information, I'm not intending this to whine - I'm really just writing it all down so my opinions make sense and so I can get it all out.  If it offends anyone, or bores them, or annoys them, then I'm sorry.

Now then, the reason for my post:

Being unpretty sucks so much ass.

Maybe it's because most of the guys at my workplace are all assholes (this is a true statement; ask my sister darthelwig - she knows it, too), but if I needed any proof that I'm just not pretty enough, they provide it.  It's like I'm invisible to them.  A couple of years back, at the Christmas party, I was hauling this heavy chair around, obviously struggling with it, and every single one of the guys I see every day I come to work just walked on by like I wasn't even there.  Only one guy eventually asked if I needed help, & he no longer works with us.

It's like that everywhere I go.  It was like that in school.  All the girls were encouraged to be pretty & slutty, I kid you not.  Getting pregnant while still in school was almost a badge of honor.  I, being uninterested in giving up my whole future just to have a baby & dressing far differently from my peers, was ridiculed almost daily the entire time I was in school in this state (which was... from sixth grade up until the end).  Eventually, after my sister moved away, I couldn't take the pressure anymore & stopped going to school.  I ended up failing ninth grade through lack of attendance, although I made up all the credits I lost and graduated the year I was supposed to.  Still, I was diagnosed with social phobia, put on anti-depressants, and spent the rest of my high school existence with a tutor at home.

A tutor who taught me nothing but piano, really, and so I learned on my own, but that's beside the point.

The point is, it's years after all that, my insecurites are slowly fading to manageable levels - but the older I get, I still know: I am not pretty.  No one thinks I'm pretty.  Least of all me.

Which shouldn't matter, but it does.  Because no one wants to date the weird, unpretty chick.  And I will laugh in the face of anyone who tells me that isn't true.

It's different when you've known a man forever, I suppose.  If you're friends first, the rules are always different.  But if you're shy, like me, and socially inept, also like me, your opportunities to meet someone are slim - and the chances that you'll do the whole flirting thing right and actually go on even one date is even more slim.

Which... shouldn't matter to me.  Usually, I go about my life, being myself, with all the attendant weirdnesses & quirks & oddball behavior that includes.  Usually, I just go on about my life, writing & playing video games & trying to remember that even if I feel lonely sometimes, it truly is difficult to miss something you've never had (particularly if your powers of repression are as good as mine).

But I met a boy a while back, a nice boy, the first nice boy who actually talked *to* me since elementary school, and then I blew the whole thing by... well, being me.  Being idiotic.  And while I didn't know him well enough to be actually hurt, I *am* a little hurt because I lost out on an opportunity.  And I've never really had one of those before.

So... I guess I'm just frustrated.  I hate being unpretty.  I hate being ignored.  I hate knowing that I've lived my life this long without really giving that whole "love" thing a try.  I write about it, I think about it, but I've never experienced it.  I've never touched it.  And with my twenty-seventh birthday coming up, that thought... just makes me want to cry.

*sigh*  I'll get over it.  But tonight, I'm just going to wallow.  For a little while.
  • Current Music
    Animal Crossing: City Folk (as played by my sister)
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Dakota - Sunlight

Death Note! ^___^

I know I'm late to the party, but I am now officially, unequivocally obsessed with Death Note.

L. Light. Love 'em both. Not as big a fan of Near & Mello, but whatever. Love, love L and Light. Even if Light is CRAZY. :)

On a less fandom obsessed note, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you. I love you more than I can say.

Also, expect longer, more serious posts from me soon... hopefully.

I LOVE YOU! ^_^
Dakota - Sunlight

f*ck

I just spent the past two hours talking my aunt down from wanting to kill herself.

...My head hurts.
  • Current Music
    "Winter Passing" ~ The Academy Is...
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Dakota - Sunlight

Ghosts for the Ghost

Your friendly neighborhood Ghost (i.e. me) now has her own ghost. Fun times, truly. *sigh*

Here's the thing. I've been in a haunted house before. Grew up in one. But I've never experienced anything like what I've experienced lately.

Allow me to elaborate, briefly.

A few nights ago, I woke up repeatedly to something holding me down. I literally couldn't move. Eyes open, I was very awake, but also very paralyzed.

And the second time that happened, I saw a dark figure on me, and it leaned close to me... There were cold shivers going up and down my spine; my back was so cold. And I heard a deep, raspy voice asking, "Do you feel this?"

Yeah. :(

I know I was awake. I was staring straight up at my ceiling, and when it was finally gone & I could move again I made myself take note of how awake I was, so in the morning I would remember.

And there's been other freaky stuff, too. A light near my sister's bedroom floor that we both saw, a bright light that could not be explained by any of the usual light sources in that area. Especially since it disappeared rather abruptly.

And another night, before the even stranger experience I mentioned earlier, I woke up to see a large black shadow going up and down the ceiling above my bed, back and forth... I stay up late all the time, so I'm familiar with all the shadows in that room. This was... unnatural. It moved across the ceiling, and there's no way it could've been a car - no car's lights move like that, gliding up and down... I stared for a while, closed my eyes, and it was still there. Another brief close, and it's gone.

And that very night, before I went to sleep, the cabinet above our kitchen sink that sometimes comes open on its own due to wind flew open - with no wind to force it. After a full minute of me telling myself to calm down (because freaky stuff had already been happening in the house by then), two plastic containers fell out of the cabinet and straight onto the floor, somehow being blown so far that neither of them hit the sink on the way down, but instead landed near the table a couple of feet away. Again - without any wind to blow the paper that hangs nearby or stir the trees outside the window.

We've placed Hawaiian salt in the corners (a local remedy) and just recently used holy water. Nothing's happened since then, but it's only been a couple of days, so we'll see. We've had K's friend who's kind of an expert in these things come by, and he says it's not evil or all that strong, but it's creeping me out all the same. K's other friend is the one who got us the holy water, which we had for a week and only used after I woke up being held down that one night.

Did I mention this stuff mostly happens to me? Yeah. K's expert friend says the entity is probably 'attracted' to us/me/whatever. Which wouldn't surprise me, since I've had paranormal experiences my whole life, & it's probably embedded in my aura by now.

That's me, folks. Completely uninteresting to live people, but irresistible to the dead. :D

Yeah. So. How have your past few weeks been? *lol*
  • Current Music
    "Beware! Cougar!" by The Academy Is...
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Dakota - Sunlight

BLAH!

Life.  It sucks.

Cleaning up toilet water from the bathroom floor AND my Mom's bedroom sucks.

Not seeing The Dark Knight today sucks.

NO ONE CALLING US BACK about the toilet SUCKS.

Mom ending up with a counterfeit coupon for Starbucks sucks.

The plumber sucks.

My sister's headache and backache suck.

My own headache and backache, which I woke up with, suck.

Feeling dirty and sweaty and wet sucks.

The smell is starting to suck.

Waiting for TAI's new CD to come out sucks (well, not really).  ;)

Missing breakfast sucks.

K having to come home from work and miss out on money (which we'll need to replace the mattress) sucks.  A necessary suck, but still.

It's only 9:30am and the day SUCKS.

Having to run around three apartment complexes to chase down a surly, unhelpful plumber sucked so completely hard.

So, today?  Say it with me now, children:

SUCKS.

Yup.  What a day.  What a freakin' day.  ;)

  • Current Music
    "About A Girl" ~ The Academy Is...
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Dakota - Sunlight

Sooo... How are YOU?

I'm sitting here, waiting for my tater tots to cook (yum :) ), and since I finally have a few free minutes I thought I'd update here just to say sorry to anyone I've failed to reply to and I LOVE YOU ALL.

That is all.  ^_^
 
  • Current Music
    "Skeptics And True Believers" ~ The Academy Is...
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Family - Frankie: What?

Writer's Block: Gotcha.

 
What is the best April Fools' Day joke you've ever fallen victim to?
, you SUCK.  :D  *lol*

Although, as a sidenote to this, a few years back she & I both got to get Bret Hart's signature at a nearby K-Mart.  So, irony.  *lol*

Also?  If you're expecting a responnse from me on something, I'll be getting to it soon.  Hopefully.

Also entering some writing contests and quitting my job to focus on my writing.  Yup.  :)
Dakota - Sunlight

"Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy..."

So.  Tired.  All I've done is sleep all week.  And I'm STILL TIRED.  F*ck, f*ck, f*ck a duck.

'Viral infection', doc says.  Take this pill and that pill and get rid of your headache with the lovely tylenol with the lovely codeine that I don't need because I'm already sleeping almost all day.  I usually function perfectly on four hours of sleep.  Now, I think I've been up for four hours, total, today.

And I'm off to bed now.  Again.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  And I'm too tired to even try to figure it out.

Lovely caffeine is keeping me up long enough to type this.  And it's quickly wearing off.

Nighty-night, all...

*zzz*
  • Current Music
    "Apocalypso (Waltz Version)" by Mew
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