This post has been building for a while, but I think it's time I finally posted it.
To start with, may I say that while this contains a lot of highly personal information, I'm not intending this to whine - I'm really just writing it all down so my opinions make sense and so I can get it all out. If it offends anyone, or bores them, or annoys them, then I'm sorry.
Now then, the reason for my post:
Being unpretty sucks so much ass.
Maybe it's because most of the guys at my workplace are all assholes (this is a true statement; ask my sister darthelwig - she knows it, too), but if I needed any proof that I'm just not pretty enough, they provide it. It's like I'm invisible to them. A couple of years back, at the Christmas party, I was hauling this heavy chair around, obviously struggling with it, and every single one of the guys I see every day I come to work just walked on by like I wasn't even there. Only one guy eventually asked if I needed help, & he no longer works with us.
It's like that everywhere I go. It was like that in school. All the girls were encouraged to be pretty & slutty, I kid you not. Getting pregnant while still in school was almost a badge of honor. I, being uninterested in giving up my whole future just to have a baby & dressing far differently from my peers, was ridiculed almost daily the entire time I was in school in this state (which was... from sixth grade up until the end). Eventually, after my sister moved away, I couldn't take the pressure anymore & stopped going to school. I ended up failing ninth grade through lack of attendance, although I made up all the credits I lost and graduated the year I was supposed to. Still, I was diagnosed with social phobia, put on anti-depressants, and spent the rest of my high school existence with a tutor at home.
A tutor who taught me nothing but piano, really, and so I learned on my own, but that's beside the point.
The point is, it's years after all that, my insecurites are slowly fading to manageable levels - but the older I get, I still know: I am not pretty. No one thinks I'm pretty. Least of all me.
Which shouldn't matter, but it does. Because no one wants to date the weird, unpretty chick. And I will laugh in the face of anyone who tells me that isn't true.
It's different when you've known a man forever, I suppose. If you're friends first, the rules are always different. But if you're shy, like me, and socially inept, also like me, your opportunities to meet someone are slim - and the chances that you'll do the whole flirting thing right and actually go on even one date is even more slim.
Which... shouldn't matter to me. Usually, I go about my life, being myself, with all the attendant weirdnesses & quirks & oddball behavior that includes. Usually, I just go on about my life, writing & playing video games & trying to remember that even if I feel lonely sometimes, it truly is difficult to miss something you've never had (particularly if your powers of repression are as good as mine).
But I met a boy a while back, a nice boy, the first nice boy who actually talked *to* me since elementary school, and then I blew the whole thing by... well, being me. Being idiotic. And while I didn't know him well enough to be actually hurt, I *am* a little hurt because I lost out on an opportunity. And I've never really had one of those before.
So... I guess I'm just frustrated. I hate being unpretty. I hate being ignored. I hate knowing that I've lived my life this long without really giving that whole "love" thing a try. I write about it, I think about it, but I've never experienced it. I've never touched it. And with my twenty-seventh birthday coming up, that thought... just makes me want to cry.
*sigh* I'll get over it. But tonight, I'm just going to wallow. For a little while.